Wednesday, July 19, 2006

Anthony's Take on New Jersey

I love reading those cheesy mass emails that keep circulating the web, rifs on New Jersey. Here's one I had to share:
Ahh, Jersey. Here's Anthony's take on the great Garden State ...
(Source: http://travel.discovery.com/fansites/bourdain/take/jersey.html)

"The First Family of New Jersey"
Paris has the Eiffel Tower. London has Big Ben. There are those pyramids in Egypt. But when you're talking about New Jersey there is perhaps no more significant monument, no more important temple of all things New Jersey than the Bada Bing Club. Tony Soprano's office, by the way. Otherwise known as Satin Dolls. It's a restaurant. They serve food, too. I am not getting back on the tour bus.

So what's the first thing that comes to mind when you're sitting in a place that people actually refer to as the Bada Bing Club? How is the cuisine here? Italian sub. Oh, yeah. Got to have it. You just don't get them right in New York. Massachusetts, they call it a grinder. In New York, it's a hero. Somewhere — I forget where — somebody calls it a hoagie. But where I come from we call it a sub, or a submarine sandwich. Classically consisting of a soft-crusted roll jammed with a healthy mélange of prosciutto, mortadella, capicola, some ham, provolone cheese, some lettuce, tomato and onion.

You only have sauce with red wine vinaigrette, that's it. Maybe you sprinkle a little herb. A real submarine sandwich. Listen, I catch you putting mayonnaise or mustard on a sub, well, the Meadowlands are nice and close. I feel a little weird about ordering the Buffalo chicken wings. However highly recommended they might come, I'm just uncomfortable with the whole idea of, you know, handing somebody money with like, sticky hot sauce on it. It's just so low rent, you know?

Oh, yeah. This is the life. A beer, a sub, and an articulate young woman who finds me fascinating. As much as I hate to leave this place, most Jerseyites have no connection at all to strip clubs and mobsters. What they do know about is going down the shore for the summer.

"The Bridge-Tunnel Crowd"

A small island lies off the coast of New Jersey, identified on U.S. Coast Guard navigational maps as Manhattan. New Jersey natives commonly refer to it as "The City" and have been known to project upon it their greatest hopes, fears, lusts and aspirations. I know I did. So close and yet so far. Story of my life from age zero to 17. Always living 10 minutes from what I still call "The City," where all the good stuff happens. And the city, like any enabling co-dependent, responds in kind. Derisive New Yorkers refer to people from New Jersey, of course, as the bridge-tunnel crowd. Hell, even I'm guilty of it.

Now, I was born at Columbia Presbyterian, so theoretically I was born in New York. But all those wonder years, New Jersey. I guess that makes me a bridge-tunnel guy. Oh, by the way. I don't live here anymore.

Now, before I'm willing to cop to being a self-hating Jerseyite, let me say this. People have been pushing clichés and misconceptions about Jersey since long before my glory days. Let me clear up one misconception right now. Two New Jersey natives upon first meeting do not say, "Hey, what exit?," to identify where they live within the state.

What do we think of when we think of New Jersey other than it as a punch line to a joke? Well, you know, beaches. Got Atlantic City. We have a football team, kind of, but they still call them what? The New York Giants. Jimmy Hoffa might be buried here. That should be on our license plates. New Jersey, Jimmy Hoffa is probably buried here. This is the home of the DeCavalcante crime family, by the way. Upon whom a popular television show, I believe called The Sopranos, is said to be based. New Jersey. I love it. It means something being from New Jersey. It means you have a sense of humor. I spent a lot of my youth driving pointlessly around these highways, cruising for burgers and worse. But there is no doubt about it. If Jersey is famous worldwide for anything, it's our very own first family, the Sopranos. What Sam Houston is to Texas, Paul Revere to Massachusetts, Tony Soprano is to New Jersey.