It Is What It Is

I had dinner with my good friend from college last night at her new apartment. First of all, she's an amazing cook and with my newly acquired wine selection skills we had a great meal. After eating her delicious gnocchi with tomatoes and black olives we sat down to talk about what else- boys. Or is it men after you reach your mid-20s?

Anyhow, we talked about why our last relationships failed and what we hope for our next one. We're both interested in older men at this point in our life but they don't always come without baggage. Her current interest is divorced with a son and ex living in Europe. Mine is someone I knew before but thought I was too young to date but now I know who I am and want another chance.

My friend and I have more or less the same core values: family is important but we are also independent, strong women. We want the security and selfless love that a good marriage brings so that we can "hopefully" have children to add to dynamic later on. Both of us are in that "ugh" stage of our careers where we still have to pay our dues and our salary shows for it. So our course when an older guy comes in our lives and pays for EVERYTHING, its exactly what we want but (at least for me) takes some getting used to.

Usually the first three dates with someone new, the guy offers to pay for me. Then all of a sudden everything is split down the middle or he "forgets his wallet" and I have to pay. I really don't like that shift in expectations, never have never will.

Anyway, what I'm trying to say is I've lowered my expectations so much, that they're flat line. I made this mistake last week when I drove myself to a date that I wish he'd picked me up for, which is initially offered to. I'm so used to being let down or left stranded that deep down I didn't trust him to be true to his word. Oh boy did I get yelled at last night when I told my friend what I did. She exclaimed "Maggie you're such a guy. If he offers to take care of you, just let him."
She was right- I think like a guy and look where it's gotten me.

Well, my date last week said he'd call and he hasn't gotten around to it. I don't know where I stand, is he into me or not? The "guy" in me wants to be direct and ask him... but that's really the blunt woman in me.

So, my friend and I concluded last night, when it comes to new relationships with older guys- it is what it is.

My Resolve

I think New Years Resolutions are almost impossible to keep, at least for me they are. For example, I probably had about 4-5 things I wanted to do differently this year:

1. Stop drinking soda cold turkey
>>That lasted until about 2 hours ago when I got an insane headache.
2. Eat more organic whenever possible
>>All I've managed to eat organic everyday is yogurt, thanks Trader Joe's!
3. Letting my fingermails grow out
>>I started this one over a month ago and so far it's been okay
4. Get in touch with people I haven't seen in a while
>>I heart Facebook...yay I had a larger fan club than I thought
5. Plan a most excellent vacation... if I don't get into grad. school
>>Paris, Rome, Puerto Rico, Disney World?


What do all these things have in common? Well on the surface, they could truly enrich my life. Depsite the name of my blog, I'm a very shy person. So number #4 on the list has been really interesting because thanks to my good reputation thus far in life, I have a nice core group of friends from school and work.

My 10th high school reunion is this year (yikes) and my best friend from college is getting married this summer, so I really really hope I have some sort of +1 situation lined up by the beginning of summer. Faith should be the operative word though instead of Hope. Since I've given up on online dating, I have no idea what my odds of being in a good relationship are in the next 6 months. But as Hebrews 11:1 goes "Faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see."

The traveling resolution, is just that. I would love to travel more but I don't want to go alone. I have two friends who've gone on trips together and invited me along, but I've always had to work:(. With my passport only having one stamp in 10 years, I need to make sure it's worth renewing this year.

Everything else on the list is do-able within reason. As long as I keep getting manicures my hands should be okay for a while. As for soda, yes it was a temporary slip but I only think that will be on an as needed basis situation. Water is my friend, I love love love it!

You Know You're From Jersey When

I love reading these lists, my co-Jersey girl Nicole found this one, so I must give credit where credit's due:

You don't think of fruit when people mention "The Oranges."

You know that it's called Great Adventure, not Six Flags.

A good, quick breakfast is a hard roll with butter.

You've known the way to Seaside Heights since you were seven.

You've eaten at a diner, when you were stoned or drunk, at 3 A.M.

You know that the state isn't one big oil refinery.

At least three people in your family still love Bruce Springsteen, and
you know the town Jon Bon Jovi is from.

You know what a "jug handle" is.

You know that WaWa is a convenience store.

You know that the state isn't all farmland.

You know that there are no "beaches" in New Jersey--there's the shore--and you don't go "to the shore," you go "down the shore." And when you are there, you're not "at the shore"; you are "down the shore."

You know how to properly negotiate a circle.

You knew that the last sentence had to do with driving.

You know that this is the only "New" state that doesn't require "New" to identify it (try . . . Mexico . . . York .! . . Hampshire-- doesn't work, does it?).

You know that a "White Castle" is the name of BOTH a fast food chain AND a fast food sandwich.

You consider putting mayo on a corned beef sandwich a sacrilege

You don't think "What exit?" is very funny.

You know that people from the 609 area code are "a little different.Yes they are!

You know that no respectable New Jerseyan goes to Princeton--that's for out-of-staters.

The Jets-Giants game has started fights at your school or localbar.

You live within 20 minutes of at least three different malls.

You refer to all highways and interstates by their numbers.

Every year you have at least one kid in your class named Tony.

You know the location of every clip shown in the Sopranos opening
credits.

You've gotten on the wrong highway trying to get out of the mall.

You know that people from North Jersey go to Seaside Heights, and
people from Central Jersey go to Belmar, and people from South Jersey go to Wildwood. It can be no other way.

You weren't raised in New Jersey--you were raised in either North
Jersey, Central Jersey or South Jersey.

You don't consider Newark or Camden to actually be part of the state.

You remember the stores Korvette's, Two Guys, Rickel's, Channel,
Bamberger's and Orbach's.

You also remember Palisades Amusement Park.

You've had a boardwalk cheese steak and vinegar fries.

You start planning for Memorial Day weekend in February.

And finally . . .

You've NEVER, NEVER pumped your own gas.

NiceGirl Backup

The latest in my "adventures" in dating, I got the call I've been expecting for weeks. The guy who was dying to contact me off-line and go out has now decided to start dating someone else he met. He said it was a slow start but now it's progressing, thanks for finally telling the truth. He then asked if he could call me if it didn't work out. Well, being the "nice girl" I default to I said "Sure that's fine" and then got off the call as quickly as possible, wishing him luck with the relationship. Of course when I hung up, I wished I'd been honest and said "Yeah I knew you weren't that into me or else you would've tried to end this two weeks ago." I had a sense when he wrote in an email back then of "Are you around tonight?" he wanted to get it over with then and there. Here's the thing, I have a sense of men's instinct to retreat, why can't I get someone who actually WANTS to be with me first? I allow myself to be a guy's second choice instead of his first. That's what I should've said, "No, if I'm not your first choice then I'm not interested." But I can never force myself to say those things aloud. Errgh!

The Proof is in the Numbers

So single women aren't being over-dramatic about the lack of available men, so says Time Out New York.

I've been banging my head against my keyboard a lot less lately with regards to online dating. I'm now in semi-regular communication with three very different guys.

My latest pursuer has been the most eager to move into off-line communication so I gave into that but I have yet to get the proverbial first phone call. He's either really into me or wants to know sooner than later if we have any face to face chemistry.

My oldest and most reluctant match finally warmed up to me but hasn't asked to talk on the phone. His subscription expires this weekend so he might just disappear.

The match in between is closest to me in age and up until last week was very up front about his life. He went on a business trip last week, I wonder if he ever came back? That's morbid to think, I know.

I know I'm a hypocrite for saying to one of my guy friends that I never want to date a stranger again but really do I have a choice at this point in my life? The guys I've known the longest in my life are married or gay so that leaves me little choice but to put myself out there and run the reel of my life for who knows how many more guys I date.

I've already dated seven people in the last five years and learned a LOT about what I don't want. These relationships latest from three weeks to seven months. The one I wish had worked (and the one who my mother nags me about the most) would've been perfect at THIS point in my life but when he asked me out I was just out of college and didn't feel comfortable dating someone about ten years older than me.

While the whole process makes me feel jaded, I haven't completely lost hope of having another boyfriend before the end of the summer.

It Takes Time

Things are starting to move forward on the communication front with my online matches.
The minimal communicator finally fessed up to being newbie at online dating and asked me what I thought of my experience on eHarmony. I said it wasn't great and most of the matches I would never date and I guessed about the types he'd been placed with. He wrote back right away and complimented me on my advice and insight that was unusual for my age. The rest of his message was nice and I think we've made a breakthrough with real communication. I still don't think we're going to get much further before he gives up at the end of the month. He's decided this method is not for him which makes me think he will not pursue anything more than e-mail with me.

My more promising match wants to talk on the phone which is something I'm ready for now. He is def. more positive and comfortable about this process so I'll know sooner than later if we have chemistry. He's only a little older than me so I'm sure we'll have more to talk about.

This is Not My Only Excuse, But it Sure is a Good One!

I've been saying this for a couple of years, there are fewer Christian guys out there and now it's been proven it's a world-wide concern. Here's an article from Christianity Today.

My brother in law heard an analogy once of the Christian dating scene today for women: It's like driving through a parking lot and only seeing handicap spaces or a space taken up by a shopping cart. The handicap ones, in my opinion, are the guys who can't interpret signals from women, allow themselves to fall into the dreaded "friends zone," or simply don't know how to treat a women properly. The blocked spaces could be potential future boyfriends but they could also be my other dreaded subset of guys, the ones who are into everything but building a relationship. This type of guy has the money to spend wooing a young woman but instead he spends in on tripping out his apartment/house with tech. gadgets or a fancy car. That's called being a bachelor, I know. When is it time to ditch the all leather furniture look or the dreaded futon couch for something more mature?

On the other hand, a future mate in the blocked space may not be aware of his potential great boyfriend personality. To be fair, young Christian women don't make it easy for this type of guy. We're either driven to get married asap (aka they went to a Christian school and major in Mrs.) or we want time to enjoy our 20s career and social wise. We are the ones sending mixed signals more often than guys, I would argue.

I know I sent them to my last boyfriend and that contributed to our "failure to communicate." I don't want to get married right now but I wanted to know early on in our relationship (6 months in to be exact) if this was a remote possibility. I think our relationship officially failed the day I happen to be driving with him through the town where my sister's reception was. I pointed out the site and said "isn't that a beautiful house?"

When we broke up two days later, the first words out of his mouth were "It's clear you want to get married. I don't know if I'll be ready to, even a couple years later." Not 3 months before we'd talked about where we wanted to be in 5 years and the first thing he said was "I want a wife and children." Looking back, I now realize what he was REALLY trying to say that day was "I don't want to marry you." Throughout our relationship, I tried to take my friend's advice and when it came up I said I really don't want to get married now. In this case it didn't work.

I have yet to know for certain if one can send mixed signals through e-mail when you're doing online dating. If anything, it's a conversation that often takes a while to get going if at all.
I was talking to my friend who's also registered on eHarmony about why guys don't like to email during the Open Communication stage. We concluded that guys are social creatures who would prefer a face to face conversation or at least a phone call.

One of my matches out rightly refuses to move our conversation beyond answering questions I send him. I'm frustrated that he hasn't asked me any questions and really only wants to talk about business topics it seems. My friend suggested giving him my cell number to see if he's different on the phone. Frankly I have no motivation to at this point. He's coming off as a someone very set in his ways: work and more work. But I'm trying truly to give him the benefit of the doubt...