Impulse Lost

I was reading on another's blog that a crush is one of our original human impulses. I think it's part of our need to feel some connection to another human being. I would say I have had a least one crush a year since I was a little girl. My first was probably my imaginary friend Jack (yes I think you can have a crush on an invisible friend). Then throughout elementary school, it was Seth the other quiet one in my class who lived around the corner from me. Middle school was a blur and I just kept my head down so I guess I didn't really have one then. High School that was a also a akward time for me but there was this one guy who was always nice to me, Steve K. He never teased men like the other guys who were trying to get me to come out of my very shy personality. I still have a picture of him I took from the yearbook scraps of candids. I'll skip the next couple years but I was an uber nerd in college and didn't let myself get distracted by crushes. My first job after college was the first time I became aware of a guy having a crush on me, and that was so cute. Usually it ended in me going out with him a one time but then finding out I felt ABSOLUTELY nothing for him, poor schmuck. At my next (and current) job, the same thing happened except this time I became friends instead of pursuing dating because I knew it wouldn't work and I didn't want to get in trouble either at work.

Now I've just gotten over my latest crush. It was someone I think I've reconnected with but now I realize that he's just not that into me. I've spent about two months making a casual effort to show that I'm interested in him but I guess it just didn't work. He's not the most open person, it takes a while to get to know him but what I know I like about him. I think my crush was solely based on the way he treats me when we're actually in each other's company. Otherwise, he's pretty much MIA in my every day life. I get the sense (not I can't exactly prove it) that the only regular contact he has is checking my MySpace page (and really does that count,I think not).

While I'm currently living a "dwell in possibility" mode, I've got a lot of things I want to do with my life and waiting around for him to decide if he's into me or not is not something I want to do anymore.

I Left My Heart in NYC

While I never want to actually live there, I'm still not over my job moving out of the city a year and a half ago. I miss the smells, sounds, crowds, and just the energy that keeps the city going. There was a whole list of things I wanted to do in the city that I never got around to doing: Go to Central Park after work, Go to a show after work for example. On the other hand, there were so many things I hadn't planned that I will never forget:

1. Going to MoMA during the "Free on Fridays"
2. Going to the House of Brews after Work
3. Eating way to much at a German Beer Garden in Hell's Kitchen
4. Having a birthday dinner at a Cuban Restaurant
5. Having a weird first date at a Cafe featured in "In Good Company"
6. Having a sweet first date at Bryant Park
7. Walking across the Brooklyn Bridge in the winter
8. Finding Christmas presents at Jack's
9. Worshiping at NY Journey in the Manhattan Ballroom on Sundays
10. Going to Zabar's during my lunch break

I wasn't exactly thinking of all those things when I was out with my date on Friday night. We had been in Edgewater for dinner and a movie and I was pretty sure we were close to this neighborhood in Weehawken that has a fantastic view of the city skyline. As I had been the whole night, my babbling self said " I think there's a great view of the city on a street around here." He didn't say anything but just found his way over there and pulled over. It was past midnight and freezing winter weather but I didn't care.

We haven't been spending a lot of time together and he's not exactly an overtly affectionate person, so I would've been very surprised if he'd finally use this moment to do anything. He just stood there and shot a video on his cell phone (which I have to upload if only I had more software to do it errgh). I thought that maybe I'd at least try and hold his hand but I wasn't getting any sort of green light on this move, so I just kept it to myself. But oh would that have been a perfect first kiss moment, in the chick flick paradigm that I clearly will never live in.

I'm Just Too Nice

"Really you don't owe me anything, I just like spending time with you. You don't have to hold yourself accountable to me for how you spend your time'

WTF did this come from inside me? I'm letting him off the hook for saying he'd call when he never did. He admitted he was a jerk BUT he's been really busy with work and some rec. thing he does. My girlfriend has been advising me to let this one go, if I'm treated this way from the beginning it only sets a pattern for future behavior. So I've got a dilemma on my hands. I want to be sympathetic of how demanding his job is but I'm going to know for certain sooner than later if he's just not that into me. I'm in denial of the fact that this is a strong possibility.

Oy vey!

Things You Can't Tell Just By Looking at Me

• I love to drive faster than I should and have only been given verbal warnings when I get pulled over
• I hate wearing shoes but I have to because I'm a grownup who works in an office
• Roller coasters and sky diving scare the you know what out of me but I know they'd be fun
  
• My last passport had only one stamp in 10 years
• There are only two places besides my own bed I sleep well in, Aunt Ginny's beach house and a smoke free Holiday Inn Express on the Thruway
• I've been through 2 iPods in less than 3 years
• When I grow up, I want to bake cupcakes whenever I can
  
• I went to Disney World for the first time when I was 16
• It took me 3 times to pass my drivers test but now I am an ace at parallel parking
• I once when to London just to see an art exhibit
• One time I was so lost in Portland, it took me 4 hours to drive from the airport to my grandmother's house
• My sense of direction is either very right or so very wrong
  
• The weirdest day of my life so far was the day my sister got married
• The happiest day of my life so far was the day I graduated from college
• My first kiss was in a movie parking lot with a guy I didn't even like
• I have more unfinished writing projects than completed ones
• I love writing for the sake of writing not to get published
• I write left handed but bat, throw and shoot right handed
• 
  

If I Read One More "How We Met" Article...

Okay so this is my own fault. Valentine's Day is just around the corner so of course all the singles advice pages have a article collecting stories of how people who are now married first met. There is QUITE a disparity of story frames depending on what the website's demographic is. For example, I usually read MSN and iVillage. Just the mix it up, this morning I added Today's Chistian Woman.

On the secular sites, the stories seem more realtistic to my lifestyle, meeting someone at a coffee shop, a party, work, and the comfortably established online arena. All of these scenarios have actually yielded me dates. For TCW, all these women were praying for husbands at the age of 19 while at college (aka women looking for a Mrs. degree). After I saw my sister's dating experience at Christian college crash and burn (there's a reason his nickname's now Wanker) the night of our parent's 25th wedding anniversary party, I KNEW not only would I not attend Christian college, I certainly not go to college to husband hunt.

Now six years and one Master's degree out of university, I'm having second thoughts about my militant stance on not dating in college. I did attend IV in college and was in a great chicka Bible Study. But none of the guys at IV were all that interesting. Most of the single ones were getting ready to attend seminary and were definitely not my type. I didn't try put myself in a position to get asked out by any of the other single Christian guys in college, so it never happened.

Now I'm reaching my late twenties and now I want what I can't have. The church I currently attend has zero single guys, actually there's about a half dozen single women in my age group. I did join this church fully knowing that good Bible preaching and service opportunities are more important than having any selection of male peers in my demographic.

While I forget sometimes that I know God wants me at this church and I'm grateful for the Christian guy friends I do have in my life, it's just really hard sometimes. I really don't need any more guy friends in my life, I think it's really warping my perception of what my expectations should be. What I mean, is I'm so used to being treated like a friend who's a girl that I can't always switch into date mode when I'm out with a guy. Hence my last date faux pas I mentioned in my previous post and my discussion of lowered expectations.

I think I just need to be with a Christian guy who's not afraid to say "Maggie, I'm not the perfect man, but please give me a real chance to take care of you. And for goodness sake's would you slow down so I can at least hold your hand!"

It Is What It Is

I had dinner with my good friend from college last night at her new apartment. First of all, she's an amazing cook and with my newly acquired wine selection skills we had a great meal. After eating her delicious gnocchi with tomatoes and black olives we sat down to talk about what else- boys. Or is it men after you reach your mid-20s?

Anyhow, we talked about why our last relationships failed and what we hope for our next one. We're both interested in older men at this point in our life but they don't always come without baggage. Her current interest is divorced with a son and ex living in Europe. Mine is someone I knew before but thought I was too young to date but now I know who I am and want another chance.

My friend and I have more or less the same core values: family is important but we are also independent, strong women. We want the security and selfless love that a good marriage brings so that we can "hopefully" have children to add to dynamic later on. Both of us are in that "ugh" stage of our careers where we still have to pay our dues and our salary shows for it. So our course when an older guy comes in our lives and pays for EVERYTHING, its exactly what we want but (at least for me) takes some getting used to.

Usually the first three dates with someone new, the guy offers to pay for me. Then all of a sudden everything is split down the middle or he "forgets his wallet" and I have to pay. I really don't like that shift in expectations, never have never will.

Anyway, what I'm trying to say is I've lowered my expectations so much, that they're flat line. I made this mistake last week when I drove myself to a date that I wish he'd picked me up for, which is initially offered to. I'm so used to being let down or left stranded that deep down I didn't trust him to be true to his word. Oh boy did I get yelled at last night when I told my friend what I did. She exclaimed "Maggie you're such a guy. If he offers to take care of you, just let him."
She was right- I think like a guy and look where it's gotten me.

Well, my date last week said he'd call and he hasn't gotten around to it. I don't know where I stand, is he into me or not? The "guy" in me wants to be direct and ask him... but that's really the blunt woman in me.

So, my friend and I concluded last night, when it comes to new relationships with older guys- it is what it is.

My Resolve

I think New Years Resolutions are almost impossible to keep, at least for me they are. For example, I probably had about 4-5 things I wanted to do differently this year:

1. Stop drinking soda cold turkey
>>That lasted until about 2 hours ago when I got an insane headache.
2. Eat more organic whenever possible
>>All I've managed to eat organic everyday is yogurt, thanks Trader Joe's!
3. Letting my fingermails grow out
>>I started this one over a month ago and so far it's been okay
4. Get in touch with people I haven't seen in a while
>>I heart Facebook...yay I had a larger fan club than I thought
5. Plan a most excellent vacation... if I don't get into grad. school
>>Paris, Rome, Puerto Rico, Disney World?


What do all these things have in common? Well on the surface, they could truly enrich my life. Depsite the name of my blog, I'm a very shy person. So number #4 on the list has been really interesting because thanks to my good reputation thus far in life, I have a nice core group of friends from school and work.

My 10th high school reunion is this year (yikes) and my best friend from college is getting married this summer, so I really really hope I have some sort of +1 situation lined up by the beginning of summer. Faith should be the operative word though instead of Hope. Since I've given up on online dating, I have no idea what my odds of being in a good relationship are in the next 6 months. But as Hebrews 11:1 goes "Faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see."

The traveling resolution, is just that. I would love to travel more but I don't want to go alone. I have two friends who've gone on trips together and invited me along, but I've always had to work:(. With my passport only having one stamp in 10 years, I need to make sure it's worth renewing this year.

Everything else on the list is do-able within reason. As long as I keep getting manicures my hands should be okay for a while. As for soda, yes it was a temporary slip but I only think that will be on an as needed basis situation. Water is my friend, I love love love it!

You Know You're From Jersey When

I love reading these lists, my co-Jersey girl Nicole found this one, so I must give credit where credit's due:

You don't think of fruit when people mention "The Oranges."

You know that it's called Great Adventure, not Six Flags.

A good, quick breakfast is a hard roll with butter.

You've known the way to Seaside Heights since you were seven.

You've eaten at a diner, when you were stoned or drunk, at 3 A.M.

You know that the state isn't one big oil refinery.

At least three people in your family still love Bruce Springsteen, and
you know the town Jon Bon Jovi is from.

You know what a "jug handle" is.

You know that WaWa is a convenience store.

You know that the state isn't all farmland.

You know that there are no "beaches" in New Jersey--there's the shore--and you don't go "to the shore," you go "down the shore." And when you are there, you're not "at the shore"; you are "down the shore."

You know how to properly negotiate a circle.

You knew that the last sentence had to do with driving.

You know that this is the only "New" state that doesn't require "New" to identify it (try . . . Mexico . . . York .! . . Hampshire-- doesn't work, does it?).

You know that a "White Castle" is the name of BOTH a fast food chain AND a fast food sandwich.

You consider putting mayo on a corned beef sandwich a sacrilege

You don't think "What exit?" is very funny.

You know that people from the 609 area code are "a little different.Yes they are!

You know that no respectable New Jerseyan goes to Princeton--that's for out-of-staters.

The Jets-Giants game has started fights at your school or localbar.

You live within 20 minutes of at least three different malls.

You refer to all highways and interstates by their numbers.

Every year you have at least one kid in your class named Tony.

You know the location of every clip shown in the Sopranos opening
credits.

You've gotten on the wrong highway trying to get out of the mall.

You know that people from North Jersey go to Seaside Heights, and
people from Central Jersey go to Belmar, and people from South Jersey go to Wildwood. It can be no other way.

You weren't raised in New Jersey--you were raised in either North
Jersey, Central Jersey or South Jersey.

You don't consider Newark or Camden to actually be part of the state.

You remember the stores Korvette's, Two Guys, Rickel's, Channel,
Bamberger's and Orbach's.

You also remember Palisades Amusement Park.

You've had a boardwalk cheese steak and vinegar fries.

You start planning for Memorial Day weekend in February.

And finally . . .

You've NEVER, NEVER pumped your own gas.