It's Just Okay

As I wait for my first mortgage payment check to clear at the bank, I reflect on the fact that I've been in my house almost 2 months now. The first 30 days were a blur of restlessness and unpacking and degunking the previous owner's mess. I couldn't sleep really well but somehow managed because my body was plain worn out from the working full-time, unpacking every night and the dreaded breaking down of the boxes.

Last night, I'm out at TJ's with Mom grocery shopping. First of all, she STILL has this bizarre worry that I'm not eating enough. I have no idea where this comes from. I'm not malnourished but rather a happy, young woman with hips and a sugar belly. When it's this hot, for this long, I simply cannot eat. Everything that's not plain make me ill. I've been eating white bread and hard boiled eggs mostly. I also have to remember to drink anything that' not too sugary or caffinated so that means tea and bubbly water (aka seltzer, mineral or club soda) galor. Every once in a while I'll be rabidly hungry and eat some meat, like this amazing bbq we had on Friday at Hill Country . I ate sausage and one rib, yum!

Okay so anyway, back to my mother and eating. She tried, unsuccessfully to put an entire bag of frozen chicken breasts into my cart. "Ma, I cannot possibly turn my oven on now, it's too hot. I promise I'll eat that stuff in the winter". So she is therefore satisfied when I pick up about 4 or 5 different apps. that will become my dinners for the next week or so. I'll make my own app. sampler. After it's been established that I do eat 3 solid meals a day, she moves onto another pressing question "How do you like your house?"

In the back of my mind, I'm thinking about:
1. The mouse that won't go away and dreading calling an exterminator
2. The ceiling fan whose cover won't go back on after I replaced the bulbs
3. The windows that simply won't open, or as my father says, if you do they won't come back down.

So instead of venting, I simply say "it's fine". She's taken aback, stops in the aisle and muses "well, I thought you'd say more than that". I'm really tired and don't want to start a useless conversation about the fact that now all I think about regarding my house is, when I get extra money for home repair, what should I fix first? I guess it's this to-do list in your mind that creeps in when you've unpacked and decorated but then you see the flaws that you naively overlooked during the one or two times you walked through the house.

Technically, I saw all this stuff when I did walk through but I knew I didn't have the $$ right away to make is shiny and newish. I accepted the fact that my first place, at my age, was going to be your typical diamond in the rough. The bones of the place are good, but it's obvious that quite a few people have sojounrned there over the years. Based on the unsmooth parts of the walls, it's gotta be at least a dozen or so. I can't imagine anymore than one adult living here. It's definitely been rented out, it just has that feeling.

I wish I could somehow, buff the floors to an indeliable shine and take away the bits of gunk that remains there. It bugs me the way that my mother's overflowing freezer does. But I simply don't have the motivation to truly get on my hands and knees and fix it. Oh well, everything's just okay at my new place.

What's on My Mind

I spent a lot of last week thinking about how different my life is right now. I'm now someone's girlfriend and am comfortable with that label; I'm now a homeowner; I now have two jobs and I actually live alone for the first time ever. When I was eighteen, all I could think about is "I wonder what it'll be like to be a teacher?" Now I know the answer to that question- it's cool but it's also a lot of extra work outside of teaching time.

Some of these things above came to me and I brought or sought out myself.The goal and dreams fulfilled in my young adult life bring me joy. However it is also sad at time that my life is so grown up. I have real responsibilities now (yikes like an electric bill in the summer- wooah) and now people expect things from me (show up to work, do work and then do some more work).

I carry as much as I think I can handle on a daily basis, both literally and in my head. Yes I still spend my free time working things out in there and mostly keeping things to myself. I change my mind a lot and it's probably because I don't know what I want. My focus is on what the other person wants. While I don't a lot about work when I'm not there. I'm used to defering to someone else in that part of my life.

Somone recently pointed out I ask questions instead of just coming out and saying what I want. That plus I always carrying a lot of things together or "windows" as a book I recently read labeled having a lot of things on my mind. My mentor in college also noticed that in me and encouraged me to "stay in the present". He wanted me to learn to enjoy the joy of the moment I was living in, not reminiscing the past or planning the future.

It is Well

I've had a rough couple of days living inside my head. I'm still adjusting to living alone and it's getting better all the time (cue the Beatles song "Getting Better").

My heart's been saying a lot of stuff my brain's trying to process. I'm pretty determine to save myself from getting burned out during the coming Fall semester when I'm back at 2 jobs again. I'm working at the college in 2 campuses this semester so that will be a new thing as I go into my 3rd year of teaching-only a few more years before I move up in pay level and a free pass to park and to the gym.

There's a nice loop hole in my job that allows me to work 10-6 coincidentily the days after I've been teaching late (i.e., getting the proper amount of sleep). If I can keep sleeping that will help keep from getting sick.

I'm also putting a hold on planning any special parties at my place for a while, I realized it's too stressful to do my own and without a dishwasher. I love doing it but the clean up I still have to work on :).

I'm also trying to make a transition into going to church WITH someone (i.e. George) on a regular basis. We've agreed that starting in the fall we'll try for 3/4 Sundays at 2 different churches jus to keep engaged in places we both like :).

So with that in mind, I printed out a calendar to write on (in pencil) how I'm going to balance my primary job with my 2nd job. Then it gave me a realistic sense of how much time I have left for myself to spend doing nothing, with my friends/family/George (not necessarily in that order).
Yes it's me people, I have to schedule time to do nothing otherwise I feel unproductive and over-fill my time.


I've also promised myself I will plan NOTHING life changing, goal seeking for the next 12 months as well (i.e., move, buy a house, register non-matric in an academic program). This is hard for me not to seek after anything b/c I've been deliberately working on that for 6+ years. It's time for me to stop and reflect on my accomplishments or whatever I'm suppose to do at my stil youngish age.


I might be traveling to see friends/family (Mississippi and Colorado on seperate trips of course!) when I get the time approved by work-since I'm still new I'm at the bottom of the totem pole. Here's my dream list of vacations:




CS Lewis England Trip


Italy Wine Tour
http://www.italyandwine.net/


Napa Valley Tour
http://www.napavalley.com/


Can you tell I'm now very interested in vino? I think I'll focus on enjoying that hobby this year without pursuing it with my usual in-depth academic like vigor. :)

What is Compromise?

Is it a balancing act, a deliberate choice, or simply yielding to the happiness of another? I guess it depends on what issue you are compromising on and who the other party is. For me it's what church should I attend at present. I really enjoyed going to a church near the train station in Manhattan a few years ago but getting there on the weekends after working two jobs has been a challenge. Yesterday I finally did get there despite the very bad hot weather. By the time I got back, I loved the service but felt like I'd scheduled my whole day around the weekend train schedule. I spend a lot of my time yielding or compromising my time management to a train time table every single work day.

I'm starting to wonder if Satan playing a nasty trick on me about going to church. He knows that I would rather spend the entire day doing what I want, when I want. But I also really enjoy listening to a sermon and worship music live and of course fellowshipping with my brothers and sisters in Christ. Since I graduated from college, I've been to over 4 churches and still haven't found one that's close and has good stuff like preaching and cool but fruitful group outings.

It's my own fault that I was raised in a strictish (not parents but the church) culture of do this not that, or else! It took me a long time to distinguish between what was actually wrong in God's eyes (aka sin) and people's interpretation's of what sin is.

For example, going to church. The Bible does not say that Christians must go to church between the hours of 9am and 12 noon for Sunday School followed by the traditional sermon (or corporate worship) hour. In the church I grew up in, I had the sermon service first with weekly communion (yes kids that ~52 sunday mornings of matzo then grape juice) In my opinion, it should be in reverse so you can swallow the dry cracker but hey Jesus' body was broken then his blood was shed, samantics :)


I met George at a church in NJ that met at night inside a traditional church but was anything but. It had rock music (the Devil's music to my grandmother), candles on the stage with dramatic fabric draping as well as dark lighting (all the easier to slip in and out at your own will my dear). Now I bet you're wondering, Maggie how did you met George if he was always in the dark. Well, I brought night-vision goggles to church of course! No, the essence of fellowship was going out to dinner afterwards at a local restaurant that loved the brisk Sunday night business we brought to their already popular eatery. I can't remember if I ever actually set next to George but he eventually got on my radar, but that's not where I'm going with this entry...

I spent over two years sleeping in Sunday mornings, doing my chores while my parent's were at their church then napping before heading out to my church in the late afternoon. Then I noticed a shift at the leadership of the church and repetition in the head preacher's sermons. I went to the church because I'd been OVER churched as a child. However, I was now in a church for new believers and those who'd been hurt by the church and were looking for a new way back in that was safe and accomodating. I was neither, technically, but I just liked (and still do) the simple variance the "contemporary, casual church". And I love the church in NYC.

The bottom line is this: going to a church WITH George is more important than me going to my NYC church solo. So I've asked him to give NYC another try when the fall teaching series starts up again. In the meantime, I'll grin and bear it at the NJ church and pray for peace and patience in my heart.

Macaroni & Cheese

This is what I've code-name the discussion of "marriage & children" for myself only. I don't think you should bring it up "seriously" in any dating relationship until at least a full year (that's right twelve full months from your first "date"). I bring it up in jest a lot with George, mostly my anti-bride rants. As for the children discussion, I believe doing the church nursery on a regular basis (as I did for the past year) is the BEST birth control/ silence your fertility clock out there!

More on "marriage"...

This week on the train I was reading "Mr. Darcy's Daughters" in which the oldest Camilla, is one and twenty,has absolutely no interest in getting married. She gets ragged on for being a bluestocking (aka a avid reader) by the men and women in her current social circle. They think if she comes off too smart, no good man will want to marry her. Camilla is quite well off, fifty thousand a year (that's 50K pounds sterling in the 17th to you non-Austen fans, so she takes comfort in the fact she does NOT have to marry to keep her current lifestyle.

I find myself in a somewhat similar situation. I just bought a condo and have my first mortgage payment coming up on Aug. 1st. As long as my job's payroll dept. keeps doing a fabulous job, I will have those fund in my bank account by July 30th. My father is especially proud that I'm doing this "on my own" and my mother's adjusting to the fact that I'm financially independent without a husband. I figure if I can do this now, when I'm at the end of my 20s, I've set a good example that it can be done. Simple as that. If I ever get married, I go into the marriage with the financial self-confidence (thank you Suze Orman) that I can survive, food, shelter and all on my own for the next 30 year. Getting married at the appropriate time in my life (or season) would just be an additonal blessing in my life not a financial crutch that many women still rely on.

Growing up in the Evangelical Christian community (third generation), I'm breaking a huge mold of expectation regarding my single status. While I do have a boyfriend and have regularly dated since I graduated from college, I've never accepted a marriage proposal. It just never felt exactly right, I didn't feel like a complete person at the time. What I mean is I felt that marriage at a younger age would prohibit me from living the fullest life I wanted for myself since I was a teenager: a graduate degree and saving to buy a home before the age of 30.

These are now off the TO DO list and now it's back to reviewing that list and see what's next to do. At this point it's more travel and finally working on that novel that every English major has drolling around in her brain since declaring such a unprofitable but intellectually rewarding career path.


More on Children (or as the Freddies of old would say "chillldren chillldren" )

Okay,most naively I accepted the post of Nursery Coordinator at my now old church in NJ. I told the pastor I'd only commit to 1 year and by the very end as volunteers were quitting left and right, I'm glad I did. The year started out with 2 toddlers and ended with: 2 sets of twins and 6 toddlers. By that last service date, the first thing I told George that afternoon was "if that isn't the most effective form of birth control...". His response was a double-take and then he calmly said "well you're not planning on have 8 children are you?" Touche. He was right, he knows that if I were to get married and have children the top number would be three and only if nos. 1 & 2 came out all right and good tempered.

I grew up in a house where my mother's home based business was child care and my first job was as a mother's helper for 5 children in my town. It was a learning experience and allowed me to see how easily over-whelmed a mother can get with multiple children. Enough about the babies, I'm just enjoying being an aunt.

Hello Kitty!

Yes it's true. I'm now the proud owner of a humidifier in the shape of Hello Kitty. The cool steam comes outta of her cute little ears. Why did I buy such a junvenile accessory for my boudoir? Well, it was either that, a penguin or a frog at Target- that's why silly.

I've noticed that my new place is quite, well dry. Not uncommon at all for connected housing units such as much. That plus the windows are too old to open so what happens in my space, stays there until I open my porch door. Example, I made dinner the other night that was quite aromatic to put it lightly. I had the a/c on so I couldn't open the door. So I covered the smell by lighting a candle in my kitchen.


Other amazing things have been happening at my new place.

1. The clock fell down for the second time in a month and is smashed to bits. I came in the other night and George had beat me there and says as I'm walking in "There's been a casualty". I had NO IDEA what this could mean, other than he hurt himself installing the shelf in my bathroom. Then I saw the broken glass. I liked the clock but only really got it out of necessity not b/c I LOVED it. So when I picked out its replacement last night at Target, I took the time to pick one that worked better and is less like to fall.

2. I (and the rest of my neighbors) had no hot water from Sunday am to Monday night. I didn't really need a hot shower but would've enjoyed it after washing dishes for over an hour after my friends went home. I ended up boiling water on the stove and my plug in kettle to get the dishes done properly.

3. There's paint on the walls (and a bit on the ceiling). I've painted my living room Sherwin Williams' "Springtime" and my boudoir "Swimming". Everything looks so much cleaner but I have grand plans of putting up crown molding some day....

4. Everything is just about unpacked. Only one more carton of china at my parents' house. My front room is now clutter free and the far side of my bedroom is now the stashing place since I can't see over there anyhow and don't sleep in that side of the bed.

Pop Candy Link

Phone Home

So I've been under the weather for a couple days so I had to cancel dinner plans last night, which left me with a whole night (6:30-onward) to MYSELF. I sat down a total of 15 minutes to eat dinner but spent the rest of the time listening to episodes of GG on my DVD player and doing little things.

First I cleaned my coffee table, thrilling but necessary as well as shook at the rug underneath it, not as easy as I thought it'd be. Then I cleaned the broom head I clean the hardwood floor with b/c it was overdue.

Finally I set up my vonage (it's been forwarded to my cell, weirding out my mom at the ways of technology once again) as well as the router I got so I could plug in the vonage,etc. So all that's left is the light fixture and some china STILL at my parents house.

Hello. My name is Maggie and I have enough kitchenware and china to last me a lifetime, truly I do.