Say What You Need to Say & Home Improvement Dreams

I've needed more time to talk lately and just haven't been given the chance. Either it's too noisy where I'm at or the other person only has a few minutes as always to talk. Talking on the train either way is okay but only if the train is not jammed packed and the conductor's not barking at you about where to sit.

I feel like this resentment is building up inside of me for no good reason and I need to make it go away. I feel like what I do say is not always what I mean it's just what comes out. It's hard when it's a guy because they're not really phone people, most of the guys I know are face time people.

My girlfriends and I could talk for a whole hour on the phone or two hours in person and JUST scratch the surface of things. I had an amazing time with my friend Liz last Friday. She came to my house in the a.m. and we drove to the station together. Then we went to an event after so there was more driving to and fro. It's weird that the more someone gets to know you, the more they know exactly what's rolling around in your head. For example, she asked "So what's it like grocery shopping/ cooking for 1?" It's like she knew I've been struggling with that part of my living alone existence.

I spent a few weeks keeping things in the fridge and cupboards that I let rot because I didn't have time to make them. Almost every afternoon, I'm craving salad and wish I could go home and magically find greens in my produce drawer or have a garden stand nearby my place to pick some up. The one time I bought produce in the city, it was ruined the next day. If this is the only hang up I have about my new living situation, I can deal.

I was feeling really lonely last night after work so I started working on fixing my bathroom. Step one was removing the gunk around the tub and under the window. Step two is figuring out what to do with the boring walls. I've got blue/black subway tile so I'm planning on trying out a mint and pistachio color, brighter than "Springtime" that's in my living room. There's gotta be a way to make it look brighter and paint looks to be the answer. Hopefully when my new windows get put in this fall, I can take down the blind and bring more light in.

Since I have a small amount of girlfriend duty this weekend, I can really focus on my bathroom rehab and I'm so excited about it already and I haven't even picked up my supplies yet.

My Commitment Issues with The Church

I've been going to church since I was a wee little thing in my mommy's belly. That means one thing- I'm really traditional yet chafe at certain parts of that legacy.
The church in my local area has a plethora of denominational choices. With the exception of a church in N. Jersey, when I left my childhood church in 2001, the people who precipitated my leaving ended up in my new church. Now I feel like I'm on the lam from these parts of my past.

For example, yesterday I ran into someone who's known me my whole life, she's about 10 years older than me. She said "Oh my gosh Maggie! I had a dream about you last night that you were drop dead drunk." Now, I haven't actually talk to this lady in over 2years and her parents are very dear to me, so I tried to take this with a grain of salt. Her daughter's name is also Maggie but she was certain the girl in the dream was me!

I have no hard feelings towards the people who made church life as a child filled with dos and don'ts, gossip and rumors. But when they show up in a place it took you over 2 years to settled into, it's not a good thing. About 3 years ago, I moved from this NJ church to another one that my sister and her husband attend. I know how to play by the rules, service to God and membership. I wanted to be left alone and for the most part, I was. I was known as my sister's little sister and not as an individual simply because I never made an effort to define my own niche there. I was a member for about a year and recently resigned my service post to try once again to find my place in a church in NYC I've really enjoyed.

Now the latest struggle is getting there on Sundays. They offer services ALL DAY LONG but it means scheduling my entire day around a two hour block of time. I hardly have time to go pick up my laundry during the week so right now this attitude problem I have about giving up my time (wait it's Gods time but I'm being selfish) to get my butt to church.

I think the problem is I spent so many years going out of habit instead of a desire to worship God. I haven't asked God to give me that passion to fit into a church so no wonder I've been so unhappy for the past seven years. I don't know how to resolve this block Satan's put in my mind except to ask God to give me the heart to make time to worship him on Sunday. I've got the Sabbath rest part of Sunday down (aka I've spent most of the summer as a participant in the Church of the Holy Comforter). I've made excuses why I can't make it (I'm too tired, I just moved and haven't unpacked my stuff, I want to see George, etc.) but if God is not the primary focus of the beginning of my week, how else can I use His Strength to carry me to the next Sunday?

For now, I've decided that as much as going to church inspires the same feelings of dread that going to the gym does, I must have my heart changed to get siked for Sunday worship. I don't know if I have to keep church shopping, I frankly have no desire to continuously start all over and be anonymous anymore. Plus I told George it's important that we go somewhere together. If it means two weeks in NJ and two weeks in NYC, so be it.

Things I Don't Like

Today I completely stopped being in denial that it was time to "balance" my checkbook and get some bills scheduled for payment. This is one of things I do not like to do, I love to have gobs of moula sitting nice and quiet in my account. Here is a list of other things I do not like:

1. Overpriced Rxs
>Really how much of a profit margin do you need pharmaceutical companies

2. My inability to hang anything straight
>>Last week it took me 4x's to place our monthly newsletter at work up on the member board

3. Green Peppers
>>They do not agree with me

4. My new intolerance to cow's milk
>>Goodbye ice cream, pizza, and cheesecake

5. People who think they can change the world (particularly Africa) by wearing a shirt from the Gap
>> I know first hand from missionaries serving on the continent that it's very rare that monies raised gets to the people who need it.

6. Being mis-understood
>> I cannot make myself clear enough sometimes

7. Time wasted on worrying and fretting
>> Aka half my lunch hour today

8. Failing
>> Had this problem since I was in Kindergarten, I'm a recovering perfectionist who took her driving test 3 times and failed 3 languages before she turned 20.

9. People who think I young and naive
>>I may look 18, but I've got the street smarts of a ninja- HA!

10. Faulkner, The History of the Novel seminars, Science Fiction with Aliens, and some other books, film genres, etc. that I should/will blog on separately some day.

Icebuckets

George and I spent the weekend with two different sets of his married friends. There was one thing that stood out to me- married couples have a lot of nice things such as ice buckets. I have no particular use for one right now but when I give a dinner party it would be convenient to have out instead of the open tupperware bucket I use now. I guess my friends could care less- they're not there just for a fancy bucket.

A few months ago, George let me pick out a housewarming gift and my first choice was a silver-ware case. He flat out rejected that idea he wanted to give me something more... I think for every-day use. So he got me a track light for my dining area. I love the light b/c we picked it out together at HD and a few hours and some spackle later, it was up.

And then the post-installation obsession began. It's mainly revolved around the extra chord that's wrapped around the base. Between George and my father's feedback, I think it's more trouble than it's worth to "fix" and frankly I DON'T THINK IT LOOKS BAD. That's all my Dad could rant about the other night when I went home for dinner. That and his criticism of the dessert I schlepped 25 miles home. The last time I brought it home, from another bakery, he LOVED it. This time, he was a little miffed at why I got it. Thanks daddi-oh for reminding me why I'm grateful I don't have to put up with this every night (When I was actually home- not much towards the last year especially). He's just making fun of me b/c I'm not not around much but does it have to sound so much like my sister's ragging.

Last night, it was "you'll never be a good mother and can't handle child birth" all this because my nephew was fussy and I didn't want to change his diaper (not my duty) :).

Strong Women

I watched a Christina Applegate interview this week in which she described her choice to aggressively fight her breast cancer diagnosis with a double mastectomy. Her mother's battled the disease twice and is still alive. I believe Christina felt, like many daughters who've watched their mom suffer to save their boobies, that some things are not worth holding on to.

Towards the end of "John Adams", his daughter, Nabby, also suffers from breast cancer (in the 17th century). Dr. Rush removes one breast but the cancer comes back to the rest of her body shortly thereafter and she passes away. Poor girl had to have her mastectomy without pain killers and without the post-op medicine to help with the pain, etc.

As a survivor's daughter and sister, I'm keenly aware of the fact that it could happen to me. Luckily, my mom and sister caught it early enough it has yet to return. My sister went on the have a healthy son shortly after and my mom is now a grandmother and a 9+ year survivor. I'm doing my part with regular screenings and staying on the pill (if the government doesn't take my right to buy it at a reasonable price away). Keeping those cancer cells asleep is important, but living my life to the fullest is even more important.

Grace and Mortality

I cannot imagine the sheer anguish at the situation Elizabeth Edwards faced when, after fighting cancer, her husband cheated on her. Now that she knows she's dying, she's decided to take the high but painful road of staying the course with her marriage.

Her husband did not extend her such a courtesy by suspending his race when he found out her cancer was fatal. He wasted time on the road with a now fruitless campaign and he cannot get that precious time back.

He now looks like a thoughtless husband on multiple levels. In my opinion,frankly he just took her for granted. I'll say more on this later but for now, John Edwards will never ever get my vote even. He is not trustworthy or worthy on any lelvel at all to run for office. He's suppose to be above all that stuff and put the needs of others first instead of shamelessly pandering to his own.

God, Country, Family

I've been a bit enraptured (or obsessed I suppose) watching last year's HBO miniseries "John Adams". I'm a big fan of Laura Linney's work and she certainly does not disappoint. I'm about 5 hours into the 7 hours of this truly in-depth look at a man I knew very little about but whom I find myself completely fascinated by.

The film, produced in part by Tom Hanks' production company PlayTone, is not only very well filmed aesthetically, it is also so deliberately historical that I now have a greater understanding of the label "Our Founding Fathers". These men: Adams, Jefferson, Hamilton (portrayed in a negative light as too nosy and too pro-Britania), Washington, and Franklin, as each given their due spotlight depending of their particular role. Of course the story revolves around Adams entirely so it is but a rare occasion that Paul Giamatti is not in a scene.

As a woman, of course my greatest sympathy lies with Abigail, who at times calls herself a widow, for she spent more time without her husband than with him. She tolerates his growing obsession with making sure the U.S. properly detaches itself from Britain (he is a man of the law) and establishes itself with the best chance to grow and thrive. Unfortunately, the same cannot be said for his own flesh and blood.

He fathers 5 children, I believe, and each one in turn becomes calloused by their father's unrelenting dedication to the new United States of America. His eldest, John Quincy, craves his father's attention, but realizes it may only be had if he continues the legacy of service to his country. The youngest, Charles, becomes an alcoholic, mainly because he felt abandoned at a young age when his John recalled Abigail to Europe for over five years.

On the upside, it appears that Adams had very little time for infidelity. He is encouraged by Ben Franklin to take a mistress in Paris- a gesture he scoffs at. He is faithful to his country first though and completely neglects his wife, even so far as to cease writing her letters when he is abroad and things are not going well. He asks for forgiveness but then regresses back into his old ways again and again.
Back then, divorce on these grounds would've been useless to Abigail and her children but the film makes it very clear that the children suffered into adulthood at the emotional neglect of their father.

Let it be a lesson: Work is work- but family and most importantly God are far more a priority to us today.

True Identity

One of my most admired works of American literature to date is F. Scott Fitzgerald's "The Great Gatsby". Whenever I mention it, George rolls his eyes and bemoans "but it has a sad ending". Okay that's a valid reader response but why does every work of fiction, etc. have to end like a sappy Hallmark movie?


As I was browsing through a borrowed copy on the train in this morning, it struck me that the story is errily similar to the recent week long saga of a now labeled fake Rockefeller who abducted his daughter. He emerged in the early 1990s on the New York scene, bragging about his trust fund left when his parents died in a car crash. When he tried, unsuccessfully to woo a beautiful woman, he went after her identical twin and caught her. They were married ten years and had the one child. Soon, his house of cards started to fall as his wife filed for divorce and asked for sole custody of their daughter.

I don't know who I feel more sorry for? I guess it's ultimately the innocent child. She had no control overly ambitious father and mother who thought she could move out of the country and pay off her ex-husband to relinguish his parental duty. Now you may be saying, what does this have to do with Gatsby?

He spent the entire novel pretending to be someone he wasn't, just to get a woman to fall in love with him. When she quickly wised up and distanced herself, Gastby's actions were simarily destructive as this fake Rockefeller's.


What is the lesson of Gatsby and this fake Rockefeller? Be careful who you associate with. Anyone who claims to be something s/he is not (i.e. multiple idenities).

Yeah I'm There

I don't watch that much television these days but when I do I keep seeing those Allstate commericials with Dr. McDreemey's voice-over. Anyway, I find that I've been saying that to myself a lot lately.

I'm someone's aunt now (although his mother doesn't like my nickname for him) and I'm paying more attention to things I never thought I would. I'm also a bigger fan of my filofax more than ever. I hate double booking (and over-booking) my schedule but for once I really wanted to get out there this summer and try a lot of new things.

Since summer doesn't technically end until the end of September, I will get my wish of going to a concert in. George bought us the tickets months ago and I've got it on my Facebook count-downs event app.

Speaking of apps, my sister's officially hooked on Facebook. I think it's because she's not working anymore and is home alone during the day but hey if it makes her happy why not?

Last night, George and I had dinner with 3 of my former BN co-workers. We went to the Barn, as usual, to vent and rant. I felt bad that around 10:30 I needed to head home and Paul was in the middle of his vent but I'm sure we'll get together again soonish. The guys at the table all have a computer background and Neil and Paul are looking for computer jobs, so George is going to check around with friends and at his company. I know Paul needs a new position more than Neil but either way a better job opportunity would be a great thing for these guys now. Neil's girlfriend, my self-appointed best friend Sally, and I just smiled as the guys did their tech talk thing.

I was tired this morning but relieved that it's going to be a good week at work. I prayed for that dilligently yesterday morning so I hope it's His Will to come true.
George reminded me yesterday that it's always good to put EVERYTHING to prayer instead of letting it just mull around you head... Yeah I'm there!