I've been going to church since I was a wee little thing in my mommy's belly. That means one thing- I'm really traditional yet chafe at certain parts of that legacy.
The church in my local area has a plethora of denominational choices. With the exception of a church in N. Jersey, when I left my childhood church in 2001, the people who precipitated my leaving ended up in my new church. Now I feel like I'm on the lam from these parts of my past.
For example, yesterday I ran into someone who's known me my whole life, she's about 10 years older than me. She said "Oh my gosh Maggie! I had a dream about you last night that you were drop dead drunk." Now, I haven't actually talk to this lady in over 2years and her parents are very dear to me, so I tried to take this with a grain of salt. Her daughter's name is also Maggie but she was certain the girl in the dream was me!
I have no hard feelings towards the people who made church life as a child filled with dos and don'ts, gossip and rumors. But when they show up in a place it took you over 2 years to settled into, it's not a good thing. About 3 years ago, I moved from this NJ church to another one that my sister and her husband attend. I know how to play by the rules, service to God and membership. I wanted to be left alone and for the most part, I was. I was known as my sister's little sister and not as an individual simply because I never made an effort to define my own niche there. I was a member for about a year and recently resigned my service post to try once again to find my place in a church in NYC I've really enjoyed.
Now the latest struggle is getting there on Sundays. They offer services ALL DAY LONG but it means scheduling my entire day around a two hour block of time. I hardly have time to go pick up my laundry during the week so right now this attitude problem I have about giving up my time (wait it's Gods time but I'm being selfish) to get my butt to church.
I think the problem is I spent so many years going out of habit instead of a desire to worship God. I haven't asked God to give me that passion to fit into a church so no wonder I've been so unhappy for the past seven years. I don't know how to resolve this block Satan's put in my mind except to ask God to give me the heart to make time to worship him on Sunday. I've got the Sabbath rest part of Sunday down (aka I've spent most of the summer as a participant in the Church of the Holy Comforter). I've made excuses why I can't make it (I'm too tired, I just moved and haven't unpacked my stuff, I want to see George, etc.) but if God is not the primary focus of the beginning of my week, how else can I use His Strength to carry me to the next Sunday?
For now, I've decided that as much as going to church inspires the same feelings of dread that going to the gym does, I must have my heart changed to get siked for Sunday worship. I don't know if I have to keep church shopping, I frankly have no desire to continuously start all over and be anonymous anymore. Plus I told George it's important that we go somewhere together. If it means two weeks in NJ and two weeks in NYC, so be it.
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