Impulse Lost

I was reading on another's blog that a crush is one of our original human impulses. I think it's part of our need to feel some connection to another human being. I would say I have had a least one crush a year since I was a little girl. My first was probably my imaginary friend Jack (yes I think you can have a crush on an invisible friend). Then throughout elementary school, it was Seth the other quiet one in my class who lived around the corner from me. Middle school was a blur and I just kept my head down so I guess I didn't really have one then. High School that was a also a akward time for me but there was this one guy who was always nice to me, Steve K. He never teased men like the other guys who were trying to get me to come out of my very shy personality. I still have a picture of him I took from the yearbook scraps of candids. I'll skip the next couple years but I was an uber nerd in college and didn't let myself get distracted by crushes. My first job after college was the first time I became aware of a guy having a crush on me, and that was so cute. Usually it ended in me going out with him a one time but then finding out I felt ABSOLUTELY nothing for him, poor schmuck. At my next (and current) job, the same thing happened except this time I became friends instead of pursuing dating because I knew it wouldn't work and I didn't want to get in trouble either at work.

Now I've just gotten over my latest crush. It was someone I think I've reconnected with but now I realize that he's just not that into me. I've spent about two months making a casual effort to show that I'm interested in him but I guess it just didn't work. He's not the most open person, it takes a while to get to know him but what I know I like about him. I think my crush was solely based on the way he treats me when we're actually in each other's company. Otherwise, he's pretty much MIA in my every day life. I get the sense (not I can't exactly prove it) that the only regular contact he has is checking my MySpace page (and really does that count,I think not).

While I'm currently living a "dwell in possibility" mode, I've got a lot of things I want to do with my life and waiting around for him to decide if he's into me or not is not something I want to do anymore.